Kitchen Table Ramblings (pt. 1)

Well well well.
College can be heaven/hell.
It's all about your attitude, keep a rad mood
focus on those books but look outside those binds
cause real learning comes from the funky wiring of your mind
Well well well.
My college was social and academic heaven- IS heaven-
but I have to say "was" because I decided to take the semester off.
Jersey girls always know when to come home and where they're needed.
Don't freak, don't spaz, just understand that this 18 year old (almost 19) knows knows knows all too well well well exactly how to turn a situation right here? into the opposite of hell. How am I doing? Well.
Well well well.

Power of Parenthesis

A thought that may always reoccur:
The difference between me and her?
When it came to him, I never settled.
(Maybe settling is the smarter way
just never give your heart away
those three words- don't start to say
cause you'll cast yourself a part to play
when truth is, you'll grow apart one day.
So the heart I wear is still on a chain
some try to grasp it, but always in vain
cause my mind's always on the next train
concocting a satisfying verse or refrain
that can temporarily ease my clouded brain)
Thoughts like that always yield ones unspoken
too revealing, too raw, and too broken
doomed to parenthesis in some poem
containing words that she'll never show (him)

Porch Ramblings Pt. 1

Past the crux of a relentless thunderstorm, yet still the rain beats down. (It's up to you if that's the current forecast or a deeper metaphor). But water's just water, harmless unless you're about to drown. Cue brilliant lightning flash and thunder boom, making me almost race to the door. But these words won't hover anymore, so I hover over the screen and sit in place. I dare myself not to cave. Sit in place, be brave. Water's just water. It's a cycle including rain, sunshine that evaporates said rain back into their clouds, until the pressure builds up and up until gravity lets the rain free of the puffy atmospheric islands. So sitting (somewhat) safely in my Muhlenberg hoodie under the corner of a wrap-around porch, I contemplate what it is I'm actually thinking about. My thoughts are my world. Rain and loud hideous noises that make my body tense are not my world, so by the transitive property my thoughts must be a little deeper than mere weather. People talk about the weather when they don't want to talk about truth...
("Keep it locked up inside don't talk about it, talk about the weather" -Dave Matthews; "Sometimes I wish I were the weather. You'd bring me up in conversation forever. And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day" -John Mayer) What the hell is really on my mind. In a month and a day, I'll be off to a place where no one will ever, ever, ever even mistakenly call me 'Danielle.' And on that day when Danielle Smith/Johnson/Leibowitz sits in back of me in Child Psych 101, and the teacher looks seemingly at me and says "Danielle?" I'll intuitively and politely respond, as I've been accustomed to doing so. No, that's not my name, but it's certainly part of my identity. There goes the thunder again. I've always despised loud noises to the point that as a toddler I was clinically confused by my love of the colors and shapes of fireworks, but horrified by the intense boom accompanied by something so pretty. On more than one occasion, people/places/things/insert nouns here have had similar effects. Confusing me by attracting me, investing my emotions, only to eventually hurt me. But I've learned so much, matured so much, discovered oh so very fucking much along the way. So with a month and a day before the rest of my life beckons, I know that I'll always be (somewhat) safely sitting. Leaping. Dancing. Writing. Risking. Because the morals and lessons that ground me have taught me that not everything in my life has to rhyme.

birth marks

I discovered constellations spelled out in freckles on my arms
as past frustration quelled gave way to silent alarms
Tracing these marks that mirror the sky, realizing how simply complex is this whole design, and how boldly I'll always be crossing some line. And this world? A sliver of it is mine.
So I quit always looking for some grandose sign and instead found what's been here the whole damn time.

rings on fingers, laughter in lungs

There's a joke you used to tell
but I don't remember it too well
it's on the tip of my tongue
-like so many other things-
the faint laughter in my lungs
and casual twisting of my favorite rings
fade into nothingness
I ain't bluffing this
but one sliver of happiness
still lingers
like fingers
trailing down my shirt
except now, your phantom touch hurts
dislocated from the present
but I don't resent it
And even when I'm not wearing my rings,
I absentmindedly twist the metal that isn't there
like an old joke lingering in the surrounding air

Terms of Use

A heart was the bait
without much debate
the fisherwoman would wait
though fish could not calculate
the condition and state of such bait.
A heart was the bait
cause too little often means its too late
to put any trust in fate
hence all will start to hate
the condition and state of such bait.

small comforts

She checks Postsecret every Sunday
Record player breaks every other day
and never stands still unless she's balanced in posse
Moccasins too old, jeans too frayed
and slightly faded, she's comfortably jaded
Makes lists in her head for comfort
like an oversized sweatshirt,
it's there if you ever need it
She's been taking a different route home
to avoid the relentlessly bumpy road that led to his-
Some things hit too close to home
She never drives without a co-pilot
but takes the curves too fast
She likes the color violet
because it makes everything seem more vast
One glance at the red string on her wrist and you can tell what she believes
These days she wears a heart on a necklace instead of on her sleeve

How to be in a good place

I've said your name until it became just a word
I've looked at your face until it became just a blur
I can sing, dance, smile my way through
as I continue getting farther away from you,
to a place which is sure to be a good place
And I've mastered just the right pace.
Lounging in bed, planning to wed-
Doesn't mean much when the feeling is dead
So I'm bounding off into what's next
Thanks for this overdue, positive effect.

Being in a good place isn't always the most comfortable,
but it's better than being comfortable in a bad one.

Circulatory Lesson #1

"Emotions can affect the human heart, but they do not control it."

As I sit in Human Bio, this statement leaps out at me. This lesson is true, the SA node allows for atrial contraction. Valves allow blood to flow into the proper chambers. Oxygenated blood is sent to vitalize the rest of the body, for all body systems are interconnected. The miracle that occurs in the heart is thus felt throughout the entire being. The gears of a tiny Music Box have the ability to create a light whimsical tune. Yes, that melody is the product, the music, the very element for which the Music Box has been named for, but at the end of the day it’s those gears that hold all responsibility. How comforting to know that blood flows, no matter where the heart figuratively goes. There’s a science to everything.

what's in a name?

Don’t take away my name
The one thing that stays the same
In this twisted game
Of ignoring, pushing forward, forgetting;
Pretend we never met, change this setting
But I’m betting you remember my name.

Get the hell out of my bed.
At least, the version that's stuck in my head
From the times we spent all day
Close, whispering, in that comfortable way
Didn’t matter what we’d say
You may remember my bed.

I’ll change my sheets, cut my hair
Pierce my ear, try not to care
That you pierced more than my heart
But you don't remember that part.
Next time I'll be more cautious to start
I'll be more than a name